A Sad Day
I received a bad news this morning. My colleague lost his baby. Losing a child is never easy. A parent should never have to bury their own child but it still happened. This is indeed very sad.
The little baby should have arrived in July but complications lead to his wife delivering a premie on Tuesday. When he broke the bad news to me on the phone, tears welled up in my eyes. Being a mother and carrying my 2nd now, I can only imagine how hard it is on him and his wife. I will not say that I can understand how they will feel because I guess nobody except the parents themselves have the right to claim that, but nevertheless it is something that felt very close to my heart. I think I didn’t “perform” well when he broke the news. I was at loss on what I should say or how I should have reacted. I only managed to blurt out "I'm so sorry to hear that". I was afraid that I will say something stupid and make him feel worse. There were a thousand "What IFs" running through my mind that time.
This is the second time I received news like this and yet I failed to react in a better way. The first time was harby’s friend’s baby who died after birth, despite being a full term baby. I was pregnant with Sarah during that time. I didn't know what to say and being emotional me, I'm afraid that I'll cry out loud (which may make the parents feel even worse) so I just let harby do the talking. It was hard for her because she had unknowing friends who barged into her hospital room congratulating her with baby gifts, etc.
Recounting my conversation with my colleague this morning, I knocked my head for being such an idiot. I really hope I could make him feel better in some way or another. Wanting to react better the next time I saw him, I searched for some answers in the net. Just to share with you what I found (A copy and paste job from internet).
Encourage them to talk about it. Many times, parents feel isolated because no one wants to bring it up. They are not sure how you may feel, so they don't ask for help. There are even times when they don't talk about with each other. The grieving parent will tell you if they are not ready to talk, but will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Do not ignore the fact that the baby ever existed. This is very common with miscarriages. Friends who have never been through that tragedy often think that the parents were not that attached. This is very wrong, and especially not true for mothers, who have carried that soul inside themselves.
Don't say that they will have another to replace the one that died. Could another child replace any of your children? Another child may eventually bring more happiness back into their lives, but will never erase the memory of the one who is not with them.
Encourage them to join a support group for perinatal loss. There are many support groups for perinatal loss around the country. Maybe do the research for them and take them to the first meeting. If you have never lost a baby, you cannot understand how they feel. The folks at these groups do know how they feel and can help them in ways you cannot. There are many online sites that can aid them in recovery also.
Send a card at the time of the loss. It will mean a great deal to them. You might also remember to send a "thinking of you" kind of card on the anniversary of the death. Trust me, they will be thinking about it and will appreciate it if you acknowledge that.
Allow them to express whatever emotions they are feeling at the time of the death and later. They will feel anger, sadness, grief, fury, everything you can imagine. Give them a safe haven to express themselves.
Think about it before you give advice. That may not be what they need at the time. Sometimes just a hug or "I'm sorry" is the best thing you can say or do.
Use the baby's name when you refer to him or her. This was a child who arrival was anticipated with joy. This was a person who lived and died. Do not diminish that fact by referring to the baby as "it" or "the fetus."
Listen closely. After you extend condolences, it is the grieving person’s turn. Follow his or her lead
Do not offer reasons why tragedy may have occurred. Do not offer reasons why tragedy happened is “best.” Such rationales do not mend a broken heart
Validate the bereaved. If a mistake led to the tragedy, offer understanding instead of correction. Cry with him
Do not offer vague acts of support such as, “If you need anything, just let me know.” Oftentimes a grieving person has no idea what he or she needs. Bring lunch or dinner to her home. Hire a one-time housekeeper, and arrange to stay while the dishes and other chores are being done.
Being me, I know that it's highly possible I'd be lost of words again if faced with the same circumstances but I thought it will still be good to do some research on this topic. I guess our society still have problems facing topics like death.
To the little baby, rest in peace.
The little baby should have arrived in July but complications lead to his wife delivering a premie on Tuesday. When he broke the bad news to me on the phone, tears welled up in my eyes. Being a mother and carrying my 2nd now, I can only imagine how hard it is on him and his wife. I will not say that I can understand how they will feel because I guess nobody except the parents themselves have the right to claim that, but nevertheless it is something that felt very close to my heart. I think I didn’t “perform” well when he broke the news. I was at loss on what I should say or how I should have reacted. I only managed to blurt out "I'm so sorry to hear that". I was afraid that I will say something stupid and make him feel worse. There were a thousand "What IFs" running through my mind that time.
This is the second time I received news like this and yet I failed to react in a better way. The first time was harby’s friend’s baby who died after birth, despite being a full term baby. I was pregnant with Sarah during that time. I didn't know what to say and being emotional me, I'm afraid that I'll cry out loud (which may make the parents feel even worse) so I just let harby do the talking. It was hard for her because she had unknowing friends who barged into her hospital room congratulating her with baby gifts, etc.
Recounting my conversation with my colleague this morning, I knocked my head for being such an idiot. I really hope I could make him feel better in some way or another. Wanting to react better the next time I saw him, I searched for some answers in the net. Just to share with you what I found (A copy and paste job from internet).
Encourage them to talk about it. Many times, parents feel isolated because no one wants to bring it up. They are not sure how you may feel, so they don't ask for help. There are even times when they don't talk about with each other. The grieving parent will tell you if they are not ready to talk, but will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Do not ignore the fact that the baby ever existed. This is very common with miscarriages. Friends who have never been through that tragedy often think that the parents were not that attached. This is very wrong, and especially not true for mothers, who have carried that soul inside themselves.
Don't say that they will have another to replace the one that died. Could another child replace any of your children? Another child may eventually bring more happiness back into their lives, but will never erase the memory of the one who is not with them.
Encourage them to join a support group for perinatal loss. There are many support groups for perinatal loss around the country. Maybe do the research for them and take them to the first meeting. If you have never lost a baby, you cannot understand how they feel. The folks at these groups do know how they feel and can help them in ways you cannot. There are many online sites that can aid them in recovery also.
Send a card at the time of the loss. It will mean a great deal to them. You might also remember to send a "thinking of you" kind of card on the anniversary of the death. Trust me, they will be thinking about it and will appreciate it if you acknowledge that.
Allow them to express whatever emotions they are feeling at the time of the death and later. They will feel anger, sadness, grief, fury, everything you can imagine. Give them a safe haven to express themselves.
Think about it before you give advice. That may not be what they need at the time. Sometimes just a hug or "I'm sorry" is the best thing you can say or do.
Use the baby's name when you refer to him or her. This was a child who arrival was anticipated with joy. This was a person who lived and died. Do not diminish that fact by referring to the baby as "it" or "the fetus."
Listen closely. After you extend condolences, it is the grieving person’s turn. Follow his or her lead
Do not offer reasons why tragedy may have occurred. Do not offer reasons why tragedy happened is “best.” Such rationales do not mend a broken heart
Validate the bereaved. If a mistake led to the tragedy, offer understanding instead of correction. Cry with him
Do not offer vague acts of support such as, “If you need anything, just let me know.” Oftentimes a grieving person has no idea what he or she needs. Bring lunch or dinner to her home. Hire a one-time housekeeper, and arrange to stay while the dishes and other chores are being done.
Being me, I know that it's highly possible I'd be lost of words again if faced with the same circumstances but I thought it will still be good to do some research on this topic. I guess our society still have problems facing topics like death.
To the little baby, rest in peace.
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